Mood swings seem to be at an all time high. One moment he's happy as can be the next the smallest thing happens that sets him off into a screaming fit. Some days he is just off completely. It's like he wakes up ready to argue and that sets the tone for the day. It's exhausting, fewer things make you feel like a terrible person than being at odds with your 9 year old almost daily. There are times I give him more chances than I'd like to admit simply because I can't bring myself to fight with him again.
Physical aggression is a place we haven't been to in a long time, probably not since he's become verbal but we're coming back there again and it's a place I definitely don't want to be. Most of the time it is directed at inanimate objects but it's safe to say I've been pushed and kicked more times in the last few months than I have in the past five years and I don't know what's brought it on. Once we've hit that peak of anger there is no rationalizing only redirection until he's calm enough to reach a moment of clarity. Once that moment hits we fall into self loathing. He tells me how no one likes him, how stupid he is and that he can't control his brain.
He doesn't know why he gets so angry or does the things he does which makes me feel like I'm walking on a tight rope with no net. You can't let your children get away with everything but you can't discipline them when they have no control. Trying to decide which category we are in at the moment isn't easy and I'm always afraid I've gauged the situation wrong.
Right now I feel like we have hit a point in our life where we are just surviving. We wake up and hope to get through the day without it being too terrible. Things could always be worse but right now they could also be a lot better. The heartache of constantly fighting with my child and then watching him constantly battle himself is almost too much some days and I'm honestly not sure how I make it out of bed. The only thing I know right now for certain is I will never give up on him, I will never stop trying to make the days better or to make him happier. We will get through this just like we have gotten through everything else and we will be stronger for it.